When you go through the Express Checkout lane, there are some assumed facts. Some of these assumed facts include: X amount of items or less, you want to get the fuck out of there ASAP, and you don’t pay BY MOTHERFUCKING CHECK.
Who, in their right mind, uses checks nowadays anyhow? WHO?! How fucking dare you use a check for anything but rent?! I am really sorry that you can’t manage your money with simple online banking, or Quicken, but give me a fucking break. Is this the stone age or something?
Cavemen use Checks
So I plan on taking a short lunch break, and head over to my local Albertson’s to pick up some grub. In about 3 and a half minutes, I am done with my shopping experience, and ready to hand the corporation my hard-earned duckets. I take my leisurely stroll over to the checkout area, and notice I have two options in front of me – 1.) Self-Checkout, which can be a bit finicky, or 2.) Express Checkout, with cute cashier.
Well, ladies and germs, this is a pretty easy toss-up. Obviously I am swayed instantly by cute cashier, so I strut over to her lane. The lady that she is helping has already had her items scanned (all 4 of them), and the dude behind her (and in front of me) has well over the allotted 15 items or less. But no worries, I have faith.
Low and behold, the whore at the front of the line pulls out her fucking checkbook. At this point, I am
thinking that maybe she just has what appears to be a checkbook, but it is really just one of those female wallets, and she will slide that shit, son. Slide that beautiful plastic-y goodness through that 30-second approval process. So I stand there patiently, thinking the potential nightmare will be avoided by common practice.
Fuck was I wrong. Sure as my dick is small, she pulls out a check. Do you even understand what I just said? She is paying for 4 items, in the Express Checkout lane, with a check. I am no English major, but when I hear “express” I immediately think fast, and I certainly don’t ever think paying by check. For instance – you get an express handjob…don’t expect to get teased. The lube flies the fuck out, and that dick is RAW because of how fast it is being pumped. Fucking RAW – you hear me? RAW.
What should be a quick turn-around has now turned into a 6-minute fiasco. Is it really 2008 where someone thinks it is appropriate to pay by check? Maybe I am over-reacting, but paying by check, in my mind, is un-American.
