To start, I will say that I hate that I have succumb to the pressures of society myself, and am an avid text messager. That being said, I hate text messaging. To send a text message is to say, “Hey buddy, I need to tell you something, but I’ll be damned if I’ll hear your voice to do it.” Do not get me wrong, there are times where text messaging comes in handy, but there is definitely a thin line of need and annoying that text messaging walks every day. There are several forms of text messaging & text messagers, and I will go over the most common ones, as I see it.
Forms of Text Messaging:
- Mass Messaging
- Bored at (insert the blank)
- Securing the Cock / Securing the Puss
- Non-confrontation
- Getting to know you
I will not argue that there are plenty of other forms of text messaging, but there is only so much patience I have while writing about text messaging before I have to Hulk Smash! the shit out of everything. While going over each form, I will mention who might be the best type of text messager for said form. This is obviously not an exact science, which is why I decided to submit a blog about it, rather than try to win a Nobel Prize. The choices we make…
Mass Messaging
This form of text messaging will best suit the guy or gal that has a slew of acquaintances, and/or groups of people he/she is associated with. There is usually little, if any, overlap between the groups he/she rolls with, so there is little worry that person A from group X, and person B from group Y will receive the same text message (in which case, the jig will be up).
Mass messaging, I feel, is most effective when you are trying to organize an impromptu outing, and have no time to spare. The fact that you are doing this last-minute means you do not have the 1-4 minutes, per phone call, that a decent explanation would take, which could turn into an hour-long process if you have a good number of people in mind. A properly sent mass messaging will include all relevant information (the what, where, when), and will be open-ended enough that it can be presumed to have been sent exclusively to each person.
Fucking Hippies
In some cases, you want to show your hand, and you will start with “Hey everyone,” in the hopes that this will stir artificial excitement about your outing.
Oh, he said, ‘everyone’ so there will probably be a ton of people, and maybe some puss. Nice – I am going!
Another sub-form of mass messaging has some overlap in the securing the cock / securing the puss category, so I will leave that for later, and cover it in more-depth as we proceed.
Bored at (insert the blank)
The person that uses this form is usually not easily entertained by themselves, and needs some form of company, even if just via text messaging. You know these people; you have seen these people; you might be these people. They walk around, with cell phones specifically designed to text message, and text people whenever a 30-second lull in activity occurs.
Being bored at work, school, the DMV, getting a haircut, while waiting for their food to be ready, while waiting for their car to be ready, while waiting for their test results, while driving, etc. The list goes on indefinitely. These sort of text messages usually come in long spurts, and spin off into frenzies. The people that text while they are bored at something are usually able to hold several text message “conversations” without inadvertently texting the wrong thing to the wrong person. I hate to say it, ladies, but I see this much more often from the female population. Not to say there is anything wrong with your ability to machine-gun out 100s of text messages per minute, but just know we see you doing it, and it is OK. Everything will be OK.
You will never believe what Ben said in a text message just now! I wonder if he is really naked, or just saying it! OMG!
Securing the Cock / Securing the Puss
This form of text messaging caters to a specific type of gal, and a specific type of guy. If a gal is securing the cock, she is trying to hit up some various guys she has in her cell phone, to get some pipe laid that night. If a guy is securing the puss, he too is trying to get laid that night, in a pretty passive-aggressive manner. In a nutshell, this form of text messaging is the equivalent to a booty call, but on a larger scale, and do not necessarily go to people where the random fuck has already occurred…so in some cases, it is used to test the waters.
For the gal securing the cock, this is the modern-day version of survival of the fittest. Each individual guy does not know about one another, and the gal decides who is the lucky stud for that evening. It is tough to be funny, charming, and not too overtly perverted in 160 characters or less, so really the top dog will prevail. These text messages will usually be late in the day, maybe after the gal has had a little liquor in her, and has decided that none of her current prospects at the bar/club/concert/etc are up to her usual pipe-laying standards. Usually pretty vague too, because she does not want to show her hand, or come off too cock-hungry. Heaven forbid!
Hehe…how r u? Long time no see. What u up to? U busy 2nite?…Haven’t seen you in 4ever…
For the guy securing the puss, what he will do is sent out a mass message (as mentioned above) to a group of potential hens. He needs to be wise to their circle of friends, because he could be shooting himself in the foot if Sally and Lisa are out together and get the same securing the puss mass message.
He Wants to Fuck!
These messages are usually pretty short, to the point, and also relatively late. If a guy does go this route, rest assured ladies, you are most certainly his last resort. He wants to get his dick wet, and this is just two steps away from hoping on Craig’s List and picking up a whore.
Hey babe…whatcha doin’ tonight? Wanna stop by for a drink?
Non-confrontation
This form of text messages is what really grinds my gears about text messaging. It is also, in my opinion, the most common form, and most often used by guys. I cannot call myself a truly manly man, but I do not drink my tea with my pinky finger in the air, and I do not agree with non-confrontation text messaging.
Non-confrontation text messaging will have its routes dating back to when people started getting their feathers ruffled about disciplining your kids with a belt or a back hand. America is not only the land of the free, but it is also the land of the giant pussies. Men are not men anymore…at least not all of the, anyhow. There is really no honor in America today, and chivalry is most certainly dead. This form of text messaging occurs when a guy does not have the brass to pick up the phone, and call to ask a girl out, tell someone off, or apologize.
Men, nowadays, need a strong kick in the nuts and a slap in the face. I do understand that in this day-and-age, it is so much easier and convenient to be a pussy, but there is some point where you need to draw a line in the sand. Draw the fucking line, pussies. You want to ask a girl out? Call her. You want to tell someone they are being a dickhead? Call them to arrange for a time to see them, so that you can tell them in person. You want to tell someone you are sorry? At the very minimum, call them.
You Pussy!
And the one that really, absolutely gets my goat is the break-up text. Whoever was the first pussy that decided a text message was an appropriate means to break up with a girl needs to have their balls permanently removed – I do not need you accidentally knocking up a chick and producing more pussified Americans. If America had a giant sign on the front, showing the number of available positions for pussied men (a la a parking structure), it NEEDS to say:
FULL – GROW A PAIR
Getting to know you
The last form of text messaging that I will cover. This form is typically used by gals who are more on the shy side of the spectrum; occasionally adopted by guys who are not smooth on their toes, and need some extra time to be witty or charming. They are usually also more socially inept, and need this form of text messaging before they resort to online dating sites.
This form is tedious, and can span over hours, sometimes days. For the people that use it, it seems to work to their benefit. They pick the setting, which is usually at home, work or school, and they are most certainly in their comfort zone. For the shy girls, it allows them the ability to get to know a guy at their own pace, and even sometimes be a little naughty. For the awkward guy, it gives him ample time to come up with just the right way to phrase his lame joke, or enough time to confer with his buddies (i.e.: The dude working at the gas station / liquor store / laundry mat / etc).
Even though I wish these people would just get out of their comfort zones, and break through their shells, that is something easier said than done. So to them, I cannot really pass much hatred onto them, even though I really want to. I guess they do not seem to mind that it takes 700 years before their first date rolls around. Oh well.
In general, the concept behind text messaging is a way to avoid reality, and start losing touch with the humans around them. Voices over-the-phone took over face-to-face contact, and slowly but surely, text on the screen is taking over voices over-the-phone. So very sad, America…so very sad.
