You may know what this blog will be about, after reading the title.  If you do, you are certainly blessed.  If you don’t, however, you are still blessed for having stumbled upon my blog.  Now you will know the secret…now you will experience the pleasure.

What pleasure, you might wonder.  Don’t worry, I won’t let you down.  I’ll give you what you need, and when you need it.  What you need now is to find out about the most interesting man in the world, and when you need to find out is…now.

Dos Equis, a Mexican beer company, has been running a commercial series for the last couple of years, featuring a Latin man, of no modest background.  His list of accomplishments and abilities is longer than a wait at the DMV with no appointment.  Needless to say, every commercial is pure shenanigans.  Beautiful, unadulterated shenanigans.  So that you smell exactly what I’m cookin’, have a gander for yourself:

The character, portrayed in this commercial series, is played by Jonathan Goldsmith.  Will Lyman, of Frontline fame, is the sexy narrator.  After doing about 16 seconds of research, I also found out that there is a site dedicated to more shenanigans, but it is not nearly as funny or entertaining as the commercial series.  Check it out, but be forewarned that it is lame, borderline stupid.

If you recall, last week, I went on and on about how much Righteous Kill sucked.  So I got to thinking – could adding this character, into the movie, make it at least watchable?  Probably not.  I mean…seriously…Righteous Kill sucked some mean donkey dick.  Adding the most interesting man in the world would not make it worth the price of admission, even if you threw in a hand job from the hottest tranny hooker in the world.

This is probably my favorite commercial series of all time, which is not saying a whole lot, since most commercials are pretty pathetic.  I would have loved to have seen these commercials playing while Sports Night was on the air though.  Had they not canceled Sports Night, with these commercials running concurrently…shit…that might have made a compelling argument for me to keep watching television.

So I’m sitting here and am thinking of what to eat…

I happen to live on the third floor of my apartment complex, fyi…

I could go buy some fast food…but then I have to do this stupid shit process again tomorrow night…not to mention the stupid-fuck, shit i’d have to put into my body…

I could go buy food at a grocery store…but that requires a shit-ton of work…i’m talking getting out of the car…walking around the store…picking things up…

But then, when i have all my shit back home…it’s not like it’s going to cook itself, right?

Don’t get me started on cooking…let’s just say IT’S NOT AN OPTION

So what’s a Jeff to do? I don’t want to shop, I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to continually go buy shitty fast food.

Could i perhaps pitch the state of california to install some instant-food-making device in my apartment? Say i pay a bit of taxes for it, and i’ll even pay per-order…just to have a constant don’t-have-to-leave-or-do-one-fucking-thing food source in the apartment

I’m thinking if that food source item doesn’t go over well with my governator, maybe i’ll pick up a mail-order bride…do they still have those? Fuck

There have to be other lazy people that are hungry…what the fuck do you do?

So I am now back from my trip to New York (Manhattan). It’s definitely a culture shock. Seeing apartments mixed into the heart of commercial areas…trash stacked up on the sidewalk…steam coming out of the sewer manholes…just about everyone is in a suit/dress…24-hour pizza stands…and lots of *natural* beauty.

One night, we went to this hoity toity restaurant, where all the men were in suits, people were eating dinner really late, and they had a live piano player. It felt like I was going to be off’d by the mafia. This pretty Italian girl was serving us and the table next to us. She asked one of the men at the other table if he wanted dessert, so he answered:

I really want a pussy, but I only have a dog.

It sounded extremely dirty when it came out of his face. It was memorable enough to text myself the exact quote, and I’m glad I did…if for only the purpose of this blog.

My flights had an interesting twist – both flights I was sitting next to a pretty girl. Normally this never happens, even though I fly quite a bit. And during both flights I was really bothered by these girls. One of them was asleep for the entire flight, and probably shifted positions 15 times…nearly every time involved my arm, ass, or shoulder…which makes an already cramped seating arrangement even more bothersome. The other chick was OK for most of the flight, until she started picking her toes and then tasting the resulting dried skin (*several* times)…then blowing her nose into her hand and whipping that off on her pants. I was pretty disgusted, to say the least.

So I was zipping down the 101 the other day…minding my own business, as usual.  Not a care in the world, etc.  Probably listening to some fantastic music too (since I am fantastic, and fantastic people listen to fantastic music).

Then I see a car zoom by me in lane number 1 (for those that don’t know: that is the lane closest to the center divider/wall).  I really didn’t get a good look of who was in the car, or anything like that, but there was something that caught my eye.  This set off all kinds of internal alarms, and I think I went into caveman mode.

Driving along in lane number 1 was some girl, with her windows down, and her long hair just flying all over the place in the wind.  There wasn’t a moments hesitation – I just bolted to see what this girl looked like.  Something about that long hair, flowing in the wind…it was mezmorizing.

I’m sure my fellow penis-wielders experience similar moments of losing their rational capacity.  For whatever biological reason, long hair flowing in the wind does it for me.

It also might be the fact that she was fucking FLYING when she zommed by me.  Speeding is Jeff-approved as well.  It is also worthy to note that I never caught up with her…she exited 2 or 3 exits after she passed me, and even with my pro-level bob-and-weave skillz (yes, with a Z)…the ol’ Maxima was no match for her whip (whip lol).

So what did we learn today?…

So in preparation for my move at the end of the month, I’m getting rid of my TV and TV stand. I plan on getting some newfangled equipment in the coming months, and don’t want to have to deal with it then.

If I don’t hear from anyone in a couple weeks, it’s going on Craig’s List (of course).

It is a 36″ Philips.  Dimensions of the stand are 32″ W x  19.5″ D x 25.5″ H

The only problem with the TV is it randomly turns back on, by itself. Not sure why it does this, but I don’t work for NASA or anything, so give me a break. I just unplug it from the wall every night. Maybe you work for NASA? Maybe someone you know works for NASA? In any case, I have ruled out it being possessed, but that’s up to you to decide with your own god(s).

I’m on the third floor, but there is an elevator. I don’t plan on lifting a finger to get it out of here, no matter how delicious your breasts are.

Free dust too! -

Sexy profile -

The hand will cost you extra -

You ever sit down and just think, “why the fuck did I ever let that bum blow me last weekend”…? Me too.

That aside, I’m looking for someone. He’s a dear friend to us all…almost like a father figure. He’s been in all of our homes, and hearts. I don’t know what ever happened to him, but I hope someone…anyone…might know his whereabouts.

The last time I saw him was probably circa 1999, and I will always remember him as being helpful, kind, and smiling. In fact, thinking about his smile now…it warms my heart and soul.

He was always looking to help too. Plumbing problems? No problem. Heating problems? No problem. He’s your man. Just try not to fuck up his name, as so many do. He told me, over and over, that I could find him in the white pages, but I don’t want to just call him up unexpected, after all these years.

My friends, you may remember him as Jack Stephanovich. Or maybe Jack Stephansky? But we all know him as Jack Stephan.

Jack, if you are reading this right now, just know that I miss you, and I love you.